Why, Wolfe?
by Bari Amaryllis
Summary: Ryan hasn't really dated a lot on the show, and in this story, we find out why. No homo. Please, Read and Review! I'm continuing for you guys! Thanks!
1. Chapter 1

**A.N.: I don't own CSI Miami. DUH! Anyways, tell me to continue if you think I should. Thanks!**

Horatio strode down the corridor, heading to his office. He would've made it, had it not been for the interesting conversation flowing from the break room.

"So, how come you don't date, Wolfe?" Walter's husky voice asked.

"What?" said Ryan, sound a tad offended.

"As in girls. When I'm talking about girls, and dating them... It's clear you don't have much experience." Walter explained.

"You have no idea how personal of a question that is."

"It's just a question," Walter gave this some thought, "Is it 'cause you're gay?"

"No, I'm not gay! Damn it, Walter." Ryan cursed.

"Well? What is it then?"

"It's not that simple." Ryan muttered as he angrily trudged out. Horatio ducked into a nearby room, he hadn't meant to be a snoop. Ryan spotted him just a few moments later. Ryan's eyes were glassy, confirming to Horatio that the conversation had indeed upset him.

"H, can I go on break, please? An hour or so?" Ryan begged. It had been a slow day at the crime lab, so Ryan wasn't needed as of now.

"Go ahead, you can take as long as you need. I'll call."

"Thanks." Ryan said, obviously in a hurry to get out of there. About ten minutes later, Ryan's concerned boss got the coordinates from the GPS of the Hummer Ryan was in. The GPS put Ryan at a cemetery, just outside of the city, coincidentally the one both Speed and Marisol were. Horatio had to wonder why, and if it had anything to do with Ryan and Walter's conversation earlier. Horatio had to go find Ryan, especially after seeing how upset he'd been. Hopping into his Hummer, Horatio drove to the cemetery, a route he knew all too well.

After driving around the graveyard for a bit, he spotted the familiar Crime Lab vehicle that had been issued to Wolfe. Ryan was not far away, and what a sad sight he was. He was on his knees, slouching over with his hands lying limply in his lap. Tears in his eyes, he was focusing on the stone directly in front of him: _Jennifer Wolfe ~ 1981-2003. _Horatio quietly walked up to Ryan's side, placing his hand gently on Ryan's shoulder, he quietly asked, "Who is she?" Horatio squatted down to Ryan's level.

"My Jen." Ryan whispered, his quiet voice cracking.

"Is she your sister?" Horatio confusedly asked, unprepared for the answer.

"My wife." Ryan let his hands fall to the newly rained-on grass where he tangled his fingers into the blades and gripped the soft mud beneath. Horatio was shocked. Ryan was only 29 now, they must not have been married long at all, since this had to be before his Crime Lab days.

"Do you want to tell me about her?" Horatio asked.

"We were roughly 21 when we married after meeting at a mutual friend's birthday party. Apparently we went to the same high school and were unaware of each other. She was so beautiful, H."

"I bet. Go on?"

"So, after knowing each other for about seven months, I asked her to put on a white dress for me. She, of course, married me, and we were good and happy. About a year later, we decided we wanted a baby. Is that so wrong, H?" Ryan asked turning to Horatio. Horatio nodded, as Ryan continued, "Jen was so excited when she got that little plus sign, and I _knew_ I was ready. But then..." Ryan clutched the ground between him and his wife even tighter as he lowered his voice for the next part, "She screamed in the middle of the night, in so much pain that the both of us had tears. I called 911 in a panic, and they got there fast but... She let go before we reached the hospital, even though I begged her..." The tears welled in his eyes rolled down his face now, the little droplets of sorrow splashing onto her grave.

"Ryan," Horatio said sadly, "You don't have to say any more."

"They told me the baby caused her to bleed internally. I miss my Jen, and I want to see my baby! That's why I'm so shy about dating, they're still very much alive to me. I know she'd want me to move on, but I also know she'd understand if I simply couldn't, not that I haven't _tried_ to be happy like she wants me to." Ryan let go of the ground to wipe his wet face, covering his face with traces of dirt. He then reached with a shaky hand and gently caressed the cross engraved under her name.

"So you've tried to find someone else?"

"Of course, she wants me to."

Horatio stood up, overwhelmed with information on Ryan's past. "Take the day, Mr. Wolfe."

Ryan stood and finished cleaning his face with his sleeve. "That's not necessary, H. I had time with her today, that's all I need."

"Just take the day... I have some car wipes." Horatio said, noting Ryan's filthy hands and (still not clean) face. Ryan accepted the wipes, and began to clean his face in one of the side-mirrors.

"Thanks, H." He said after moving to clean his hands.

"No problem. You take care, Wolfe." Horatio said, clapping Ryan on the back. With that, Horatio drove back to the Crime Lab, leaving Ryan alone in the cemetery. "I'll see you tomorrow, Baby," he promised "And I love you." Ryan tried to smile for his Jen as he too, drove away.

When Ryan got home, all he wanted to do was sleep, mainly so he could dream of her (which was inevitable ever since she died). As soon as he got into the bedroom, he threw himself onto the Queen-size that he used to share with his love. Ryan wrapped himself in the comforter that they bought together when they first got married. He felt her all around him as he wrapped the comforter around him even tighter. He was so warm, he couldn't help but smile. Then he worked his arms out of the tight wrap so he could hug Jen's pillow to his chest, bury his face in it, and keep on smiling for her. His smile faded as he reminded himself, yet again, that she's gone. "I miss you my angel." he whispered, hugging her pillow more so. In just a few short minutes, Ryan faded to sleep...

_"Ryan, you're shaking..."_

_"I can help it, Baby," Ryan sighed as he lie his head on Jen's shoulder, "I missed you." _

_Jen gently pulled Ryan's face up so he would look into her dark brown eyes that almost matched her __chocolatey-colored hair. She ran her fingers through his hair as she said, "Hun, you see me almost every night."_

_"It's not enough!" he whined, burying his face into her, like a frightened child. Jen gently stroked the back of his neck, "Ryan..."_

_"It isn't fair. Why you? You _and_ our baby... Why not me?"_

_"Ryan! Don't talk like that, Sweetie. We all have a time."_

_"Our baby hardly got _any _time! I'm not leaving my thoughts that it should've been_ _me, as opposed to you and our child. Why, Jen?!" Ryan cried. She caressed his face._

_"Everything happens for a reason. Now," She pressed her lips into his and saw the sadness in his puppy-dog eyes, he knew what was coming. "It's time to wake up. Horatio's going to call soon."_

_"No! No, no Jen! Don't let me wake up! No, no, no!" Ryan screamed as he felt himself drifting into consciousness, and loneliness._

He was awake now. The dream was the same as it usually was, just different words, and different actions. Same foggy place that Ryan couldn't identify, Jen was wrapped in the same silky white dress, her hair down in wild waves, just like always. Ryan believed it was the reach between life and Heaven, and that Jen brought him there when he was his closest to death: sleep. Soon, just as Jen said, Ryan's cell phone rang. After unwrapping himself from the bedding, he saw that it was indeed Horatio. Part of Ryan wanted to be mad at Horatio for forcing him away from Jen, but it wasn't Horatio's fault. He reluctantly answered, "Yeah?"

"Hey, Wolfe. How are you feeling?" Horatio asked politely.

"Better, now." he answered remembering (very vividly) his dream meeting with Jen.

"Well, good. I wanted to ask, if you don't mind answering, why did you never tell anyone? Because I know the topic of old girlfriends has come up before."

"It's just... so hard to talk about. The only reason I told you is because you specifically asked, plus it felt alright to tell _you_."

"Me?"

"Yeah, you're the only person I can tell anything to without being ashamed, or humiliated, or any of that. You get it." Ryan explained. Horatio was somewhat surprised that Ryan trusted him over everyone else. A long pause passed.

"Well, it's good that you trust me. Ryan, do you mind if I ask a few more questions?" Horatio asked, suddenly curious again.

"Anything, H."

"Okay," Horatio went through his mental list. He started with an easy one, "What did your Jen look like?"

"She was gorgeous, in every way." Ryan said quietly.

"That's what you said. Details?"

"She had wavy brown hair that went down her back, and her eyes were a rich brown too. But she was really pale in the skin. Beautiful."

"She sounds that way," Horatio said with a smile, "So, how far along was she?"

"Not very. Only about 3 months or so." Ryan said gloomily.

"Only 3? That isn't very far at all." Horatio said, just as sadly.

"I know." Ryan gulped to avoid more tears. It hurt so much to talk about it. There was another long pause on the line. Horatio had to keep Ryan talking about his wife. It reminded Horatio of Marisol, but Ryan was younger, more sensitive, and, as much as he hated thinking about it, Ryan may just be more in love with Jen than Horatio ever was with Mari. He pushed the horribly true thought away and quickly brought up a new question, "Ryan, do you ever have nightmare about that night?" Horatio shuddered at his own question, for he was often plagued by nightmares of losing his loved ones, even some that were still alive.

"Not nightmares so much, anymore. I dream about seeing her... actually, that's a lie. Listen, this may sound crazy, but I think I'm actually with her in my dreams, I feel her every time she touches me. That's why I look forward to sleep, I know she's waiting there. But it's no replacement for her being here, and the fact I wont see my baby until I'm with them is unbearable." Ryan explained, not meaning to let as much go as he did. Horatio was surprised yet again. Not because of what Ryan said, but because Horatio could relate. "Believe it or not, I know what you're saying. But your baby isn't in the dreams too?"

"No. I'd love it though. I'd give anything to see my baby with her." Ryan informed longingly.

"Okay, I need to go, Wolfe, hang in there. And you'll see them someday, be sure of it."

"Thanks, H, again."

"No problem. I'll see you at work tomorrow." Horatio said, hanging up.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Okay, the previous chapter was written before the whole 'I'm Jesse and I have a dead wife.' conundrum came up. So, here I am blending it on in. I think I did alright...**

Ryan was not happy as he came into work on that all-too-sunny morning. He hadn't dreamed of her, and that always resulted in a bad day for Ryan. He stopped at the receptionist's desk to check in when Walter stepped up behind him. Ryan turned around slowly, not wanting to deal with him now.

"Wait," Walter said when Ryan tried to walk away, "Listen, whatever I said yesterday, I didn't mean to upset you."

Oh, Ryan would enjoy this. "Is that an apology?" He said, wanting Walter to admit it. Walter nodded, recognizing Ryan's regular arrogance.

"See you out there." Walter said, clapping Ryan on the shoulder and proceeding to his duties. Ryan was just about to get to his own job when Horatio stopped him.

"Wolfe, are you alright today?"

"Not exactly," Ryan answered honestly, "I just feel... like shit. Oh, but don't worry, H. I can still work."

"If you say so. Don't be afraid to come to me if you need anything. Hang in there." Horatio said before walking away. Ryan almost ran to the trace lab before anyone else had the chance to interrupt him. He had to do a tedious evidence inventory, which was a brilliant distraction for all of his Jen-related thoughts. Sooner than he would have liked, Jesse walked in and noticed Ryan working. Ryan glared sharply when Jesse said, "I need to ask a favor, am I interrupting?"

"Depends on the favor." Ryan said smartly after the glare passed.

"You're close friends with Natalia, right? I need you to talk to her, please. She wont listen to me." Jesse explained. Ryan knew Natalia as one of the only women he'd ever tried to be with after his Jen. He also knew why Jesse needed to talk to Natalia.

"About how you blew her off to stalk that other girl?" Ryan said jokingly. Little did he know, it wasn't to be joked with. Jesse got angry, "Listen, Wolfe! I..." Jesse noticed that the door was open, everyone could hear. He lowered his voice, "Sorry. I need to explain some things to you." Jesse went to the door to shut it gently. When he turned back to Ryan, Jesse's eyes were glassy. He stepped closer to Ryan.

"I'm not stalking her, I'm protecting her." Jesse said quietly. Ryan nodded, even though this was starting to sound like any other stalker story he'd heard. Jesse continued, "She's with this guy... Well, back in LA, there was a case... a woman was found with her throat slit. Deep. We narrowed is down to the husband. Well, he had a damn good lawyer because he got away clean, and our lab got put under investigation. He did it, Wolfe! Now he's here, in Miami, with her!"

Ryan could hear the panic in Jesse's voice and had to try hard not to believe it just yet. That's when Ryan saw that solitary tear roll down Jesse's face, and him not even try to hide it.

"Cardoza..." Ryan said, trying to calm him.

"He also killed my wife." Jesse said with a shaky voice. Upon hearing this, Ryan closed his eyes tightly and cupped his hands over his mouth.

"Jesse," He said through his hands, "I had a wife too. I lost her, with my unborn baby."

Jesse stared at Ryan for the longest time, as if they were long-lost brothers being united.

"Come here, man." Ryan said, still trying to sound manly, even though his voice was cracking. Ryan had his arms out, ready to hug Jesse, a man who obviously knew the pain very well. Ryan felt horrible for treating it as a joke before, he had to make it up to Jesse. Ryan broke the hug.

"I'll talk to Natalia for you."

"Please don't tell her everything just yet. Just let her know it's not at all what she thinks."

"I got it." Ryan promised.

"Thank you. I just don't want one of my co-workers to hate me." Jesse explained while wiping his face.

He didn't want to go out looking like him and Ryan just had a tear-fest... even though they did.

"Oh,believe me, I understand."

Jesse nodded and walked out of the trace lab, the both of them dazed at what just happened.

Ryan got the majority of his work done before noon, and processed a robbery in the afternoon. Despite the relatively productive day, Ryan's mind was still focused on the events of this morning. So, he quickly found Natalia to take care of what he promised he would.

"Hey, Natalia," Ryan said when he saw her signing out. She didn't turn around.

"Hey! Natalia!" he said, even louder.

"What?!" Natalia responded, startled. She still hadn't gotten her ears checked after the explosion.

"I need to talk to you, please." Ryan said, still keeping his voice to a high level.

"Sure, what do you need?"

Ryan pulled her into the elevator, where it was more private.

"About Cardoza. He wants you to know that what happened the other night isn't what you think."

"Is that so? Then what was it? I expect you to tell me, Ryan."

"I can't tell you. I'm sorry, but please believe me. I know what went down, and if you knew, you'd understand."

"How do you know I'd forgive him that easily?"

"Because, I know you. Jesse's going through hell right now, okay?"

The elevator stopped, and slid open just after this was said. Natalia stepped out..

"Goodbye, Ryan. Tell Jesse I want an explanation later." she said, walking away. Ryan stayed on the elevator, and rode it back up to Jesse, who was waiting in the break room.

"Hey. I talked to her for you." Ryan announced, getting Jesse's attention.

"Okay, how'd it go?" Jesse asked desperately.

"Basically, she forgives you for the time, but she really wants you to talk to her about it."

"That's good. It means she'll listen to me. Thanks, I owe you one."

"Don't worry about it." Ryan said starting to head to the locker room. Jesse followed, wanting to talk to Ryan more.

"What was her name?" Jesse asked.

"Jen. Jen Clarisse Wolfe. What about _your _her?"

"Kim Mary Cardoza. I'm so lost now that she's... you know the feeling."

"I know the feeling," Ryan said solemnly. "Jesse, You know, Horatio lost his wife too. It wasn't that very long ago, actually."

Jesse seemed a bit unfocused. He shook his head, still staring off into the distance.

"I didn't know that." Jesse finally said, "Ryan, have you told anyone but me, anyone around here?"

"Only Horatio. You need to talk to him about this, he'll know what to do."

"This is going to sound ridiculous, but would you talk to him with me?"

"Don't worry about it, I will." Ryan agreed, he knew what it was like to lose his love, and he couldn't imagine what it must be like to watch it happen to the next victim.

Horatio waited at the front window where Ryan asked him to meet. Ryan sounded urgent over the phone, so Horatio was willing to wait as long as it would take. It wasn't long before Ryan, accompanied by Jesse, showed.

"Hey, H. We need to talk about-" Ryan started, but Horatio lifted his hand, silencing him. Taking a look around, Horatio noticed several staff members and patrol men finishing up their shifts.

"Ryan, Jesse, why don't we go talk about this in my office?" Horatio suggested. They agreed, and quickly headed to Horatio's office. Horatio settled into a chair between Ryan and Jesse, rather than sitting across the desk from them.

"What do you need?" Horatio asked, signaling Ryan to begin speaking again.

"Jesse and I found some common ground today, common with you as well. There's a difference in Jesse's situation though."

"Go on." Horatio prodded. Ryan took a breath as Jesse kept silent. Ryan looked at Jesse, knowing that he wasn't going to speak. Jesse's 'wound' was much fresher than Ryan's, it would only be harder for him to speak of it.

Ryan spoke up, "You remember what I told you just yesterday?"

Horatio looked up, knowing what the common ground was. His gaze went from Ryan, over to Jesse, who was staring into space, avoiding eye contact at all costs.

"The situation?" Horatio asked, to no one in particular.

"I think Jesse needs your help with it." Ryan answered, nudging Jesse.

"Horatio, there's a case from LA, that is in Miami now... a killer. We got him back in LA when he cut his wife's throat, but his lawyer turned the case on us." Jesse started to explain.

"And he walked." Horatio finished.

"Yeah." Jesse admitted, staring down at his lap, "He's in Miami, and he's with this girl... and I just know he's going to do the same thing. She thinks I'm harassing her, and won't listen when I try to explain."

Horatio nodded, even though he wasn't hearing what he wanted. He looked at Ryan, "The common ground?"

Jesse nodded, giving Ryan the green light to tell Horatio. "This guy... Well, he killed Jesse's wife. We need to stop this from happening again, H."

Horatio nodded, seeing Jesse finally looking at him.

"Can you help?" Jesse asked, almost whispering.

"I can help."

**A/N: Here's to another installment. Sorry it took so long, but I'm happy to finally get it released. Reviews please? I want to hear how I did, and if I stayed in character. Anyways, stay tuned! :)**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Okae, so this isn't really a chapter... Just a peek into what I did a few months ago, before my hiatus. I am writing this story right now, there IS more coming. I just thought you guys deserved to see it.**

_Ryan held himself to her, wanting to be wrapped in Jen's beauty. _

"_It's really great, what you're doing for Jesse." She said to him._

"_I'm not doing anything, it's all Horatio. He's going to help Jesse get through to this girl."_

"_You helped a lot. More than you'll ever know, Ryan."_

"_Well, I guess I know what it's like to miss someone." Ryan whispered staring into her eyes. His legs felt weak, and Jen could feel him starting to slip. She lowered him to sit on the ground, the pure, white ground that was as white as the eerie fog that surrounded them. The ground felt soft and instantly relaxed Ryan. Jen was kneeling down next to him, pulling his head to her chest. She kissed him lightly on his forehead. "Don't lose faith, Sweetheart." She whispered. He looked up at her, crying again, and just stared at her. He knew this meant that their eight hours of his sleep were nearly over. This was goodbye._

"_I love you, Ryan."_

"_I love you too." He whispered, hoarsely as she began to fade out, and his bedroom began to fade in._


	4. Chapter 4

**With the timing and me not doing anything for four months, I'd really have trouble piecing it together; so I've decided to do a time skip... I'm really sorry guys, if this story turns out less than satisfactory. If it's still a good story, and I haven't ruined it, then me having trouble is all in my head and all is well. :P**

_A few weeks later..._

"Hey, Jesse." Ryan said, walking in from lunch. For some reason, Ryan had not seen Jesse through the morning. Ever since Ryan found out about Jesse's wife, he'd felt reassured that he wasn't the only one fighting a battle with borderline-depression over a lost love.

"Oh, hi."Jesse returned.

"So, where have you been this morning?"

"Trying to talk to her again. I talked to Horatio about me missing half the day, he told me not to worry about it."

"And how's that going? Did you tell her what Horatio said to?"

"I tried," Jesse answered sadly, "She still won't take the police protection, and she won't give me a chance to explain things."

"I'm sorry, man. We'll just have to keep trying. As long as we keep her semi-watched, she should be fine." Ryan tried to reassure. The look on Jesse's face said it didn't work.

Natalia then walked into the break room, having finally got her ears looked at and being cleared for work. She barely passed Jesse a glance. Natalia knew that with her ear problems and not being cleared for field work, where Jesse usually was, he never had a lot of time to explain to her why he never showed at the bar that night. It was still hard to not be mad at him.

"Now's your chance." Ryan whispered when Natalia was out of earshot. Jesse nodded, knowing what Ryan was talking about.

"Hey, Natalia." Jesse said, stepping over to her.

She turned around and acknowledged him, "Yeah?"

"I never got the chance to explain to you... Well, you know." he stammered.

"No. Actually, I don't know." she snapped. Ryan gave her a 'Be nice!' kind of look from over Jesse's shoulder.

"Look, Natalia, I'm really sorry. I want you to know that it's not what you think, and you deserve to know what really happened." Jesse prodded.

"Yeah. I think I do."

"Tomorrow night. Same time. Same place; but I'll buy this time."

"And why not tonight?" Natalia asked, now just being difficult.

"Because I have something else going... I'm hanging out with Ryan tonight." he quickly made up. Ryan nodded quickly to cover for Jesse.

"Alright; but you'd better actually be there tomorrow." Natalia muttered before walking off. As she passed Ryan she said, "I'll be calling."

"She'll be calling," Ryan confirmed after Natalia left. "So, what do you want to do tonight?"

"It doesn't matter. Thanks for the cover."

"No problem. So, why not tonight anyway?"

"I was going to try with her again... But I guess I'm hanging out with you. Oh, not that that's a bad thing! It's just not what I planned." Jesse explained.

"I get it. Now, we best get to work before H gets on us."

_Later that day..._

Ryan got Jesse's address via text message, and a time to be there. The plan was just to hang out, as they said they would. Ryan brought some CD's and they just hung around, talking about nothing in particular, and listening to music. Natalia called around seven. Ryan's phone rang with Natalia's name flashing bright. She seemed to be in a better mood.

"Hey. What are you guys doing?"

"Nothing much. Just listening to music and bullshitting." Ryan answered.

"Ah. Is Jesse there? Can I talk to him?" she asked, probably just wanting to see if he was really there.

"Sure." Ryan handed the phone to Jesse, who answered with a confident "Yeah?"

"Oh. Hi Jesse, I just wanted to ask... 7:30 tomorrow night?"

"Yeah, that's right."

"Okay, thanks. I'll see you there. Hopefully." Natalia said, hanging up.

**This chapter was really rushed... And again, I'm sorry. I need to clean things up after being gone a while, and this was the clean-up chapter. Thanks for reading, and please review!**


	5. Chapter 5

**Due to a very helpful reviewer (you know who you are :) ), and the fact that I really detest the previous chapter; I was convinced that it was in everyone's best interest for me to re-write it. Unfortunately, around the time I decided to take that reviewer's advice, I was already about halfway through THIS chapter. So, with this chapter rolling in (and believe me, it makes up for Chapter 4), I feel it'd just be best for me to leave it in the past. I hope this does it.**

_

* * *

_

_Things happen, and situations change. There was no reason to meet Natalia at the bar now, because it was all about to come out. Two women found; one dead, the other alive. _Her. _A recording device planted, and blame. A trip to LA and back, the blame was gone. The whole lab in Miami (and in LA) knew the whole story. Good news: No one blamed Jesse anymore; not _her_, not Natalia. Bad news: There was no reason for Natalia to show up, when she already knew all of what was going on._

Jesse, of course, went to the bar anyway. He only bought one drink, just in case. To his surprise, none other than Natalia walked through the door. He quickly bought her a drink. They spent the next hour and a half talking about nothing in particular; especially not the events of the day. All-in-all, it was an enjoyable evening.

_

* * *

_

_That night..._

"_I think I need to stop visiting so much, Ryan," Jen said quietly._

"_What? No. I love it! Please!" Ryan frantically started to beg._

"_I'm making it impossible for you to move on. I'll still visit, just not every night."_

"_Please, no! I can't lose you anymore than I already have!" he pleaded, "I'll never move on anyway. I don't even want to."_

"_Ryan," she whispered, pulling him close, "I hurt you every time you have to wake up. I can't keep doing that to you."_

"_Yes you can. You have to!" Ryan sobbed._

"_At least once a week. No less. I promise you that." She explained._

"_No. Please." he said weakly, nearly bawling._

"_I love you," Jen said. She kissed him on his forehead, "You're going to be late. I'll see you in a few nights."_

_Knowing he had lost, Ryan just uttered a solemn "I love you too," and began to hug Jen as tight as he could until he felt her fading. The next few days would feel like forever._

Ryan trashed awake, ramming his shoulder into the headboard of his bed. He yelped in pain as it throbbed, tears still coming from his meeting with Jen. In the mirror, he examined his shoulder, already starting to bruise; his tear-streaked face caught his eye.

"Pathetic," he told himself. He got dressed and headed to work.

"Lookin' good, Wolfe." Walter greeted, noting Ryan's hair at the clock-in desk. Ryan hadn't been able to get his hair to sit right.

"Go to hell, Walter. I'm not in the mood." Ryan snapped.

Walter clapped Ryan on the shoulder, "I'm sorry, man. What's up?"

Ryan winced in pain, as that was the same shoulder he hit on the headboard. "Just don't worry about it! Leave me be today." he said before storming off. Little did Ryan know, Horatio was nearby and saw the whole scene. Horatio chose partners for today's case very wisely. He went to meet his team in the break room.

"There's a young girl, 16, who was found by her parents in their backyard. Seven stab wounds." Horatio explained. Jesse looked hurt when Horatio paired Natalia up with Walter. Eric and Calliegh were paired, and Jesse was unusually paired with Frank. Horatio did this so he could work with Ryan for the day.

"Frank and Jesse, head to the scene, speak to the family. Eric, Calliegh, process the scene outside, Walter and Natalia, go through the house. Wolfe, stay with me." Horatio said, getting an odd look from Ryan.

Everyone quickly went but Ryan and Horatio.  
"H, what are we doing?" Ryan asked.

"You and I are going to stay behind today; In case anyone stops by with tips." Horatio answered. Ryan nodded as they both took a seat in the break room.

It was silent for a while, until Horatio asked, "So, is everything going okay, Ryan?"

Ryan looked up. _Horatio noticed. _He only used Ryan's first name in very personal conversations; it was never clear why.

"Things could be better, I guess." Ryan answered.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Horatio asked.

Before Ryan could answer, Horatio's phone rang. The voice on the line sounded panicked, so Ryan assumed that their personal conversation was over. After hanging up, Horatio turned to Ryan,

"We have to go. Shots fired at the scene. Everyone's okay, but the gunman is on the run."

Literally, exactly when Ryan and Horatio jumped into the Hummer, a red sports car dashed by with police in pursuit.

"That's our guy." Horatio said, jumping right in with the Hummer. The chase didn't last long, due to a police roadblock. The driver surrendered, the uniforms cuffed him, and he was hauled to the station. Horatio and Ryan didn't even need to leave the Hummer.

"Want to talk to him with me, Wolfe?" Horatio asked on the way back. Ryan nodded. All they knew was that the gunman was just a teenager. It bothered Ryan that someone could have ruined their life so young.

Before going in to talk to the kid, Horatio handed Ryan the file. The kid's name was Cameron Grayson. _Grayson. _Jen's maiden name. Ryan looked into the interrogation room. It _was _him; Jen's little brother. It was too late to turn back, Ryan just followed Horatio in, being careful not to look Cameron in the eye.

"My name is Lieutenant Horatio Caine, this is CSI Ryan Wolfe. Now, I'm just going to ask you straight: Did you fire at my crime scene investigation today?"

"Ryan Wolfe? You're the pussy that married my sister!" Cameron shouted. Ryan was horrified beyond words.

Horatio saved Ryan from speaking, "Answer my question, Cameron."

"You know you ruined her life. She was in Med school to be a surgeon, and she ended up at a damn school nurse after your dead-beat ass busted in and screwed everything up! You fu-"

"Cameron!" Horatio yelled, cutting him off, "You will _not_ insult one of my CSIs, do you understand me?" Horatio motioned for Ryan to leave, but he stayed put, just staring at Cameron.

"You ruined her," Cameron said again.

"And you ruined yourself." Ryan snapped before walking out.

"You killed her too!" Cameron screamed. Ryan wasn't so far away that he couldn't hear. It hurt. Ryan already blamed himself for Jen's death, and Cameron just pointed it out again; along with the fact that Ryan had ruined her life too. He was now feeling the most heavy guilt and worthlessness he had felt in a long time. Ryan headed straight for the locker room, where no one would see him cry.

* * *

"Answer the question, Mr. Grayson. You are 16 years old, and you aren't doing well so far. Now is your chance to turn it around. Did you fire those shots?"

"Yes, I fired them. I was covering for Danielle. She's my girlfriend, and I thought the cops were looking for her stash." Cameron finally answered.

"Stash of?"

"Crystal."

"Well, Danielle was found dead this morning, by knife. You happen to know anything about that?" Horatio asked.

"She's my girlfriend. I didn't kill her."

"Can you prove that?" Horatio asked smartly. He motioned to the uniform cop, "Take him to holding. I'll continue this later."

Horatio flipped open his phone to call Ryan, who was nowhere to be found. "Hey, Wolfe. Where are you?"

"I was in the locker room. I'm headed up to the roof now... for some air." Ryan answered, his voice shaking. Horatio could tell something was wrong, and what it was.

"I'll be up in a moment."

"Please, don't." Ryan insisted. This worried Horatio even more. He dashed up to the roof to find a very disturbing image: Ryan, with the barrel of his gun pressed under his jaw, setting a path diagonally upward, and out the back of his head.

"Ryan, put the gun down. You don't want to do this." Horatio said, trying to calm Ryan down.

"You don't know what I want!" Ryan shouted. He was bawling, and Horatio had to try hard to stay calm for him.

"I know Jen wouldn't want this."

"I didn't want her to leave either," Ryan sobbed, "I have to do it, H." Ryan cocked the gun.

"Wolfe!" Horatio shouted, jumping at Ryan, trying to knock the gun out of this hand.

_BANG!_

The gun went off. Ryan Wolfe hit the floor, landing in a pool of his own blood.

* * *

"_In the pain, is there healing? In your name, I find meaning; so I'm holding on." ~ 'Broken' – Lifehouse_

-  
**Oh, it isn't over. Again, I hope I made up! Reviews please!**


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: I really should stop using this excuse, but again, I've had oodles happening. Distractions, if you will. Anyway, sorry to keep you guys in suspense for... almost a month. Whoops!**

* * *

"_It's not too late, it's never too late." ~'Never Too Late' – Three Days Grace_

"_Ryan, why did you do that?"_

"_You're dead, Jen," he muttered, "I wanted to be dead too."_

"_Well, I'm sorry, Ryan. You're not. I'm only here to talk some sense into your stubborn head."_

_Ryan sighed, "Cam is right, you know. It's all my fault. Maybe I was just sick of that too."_

"_You need to be stronger than him. Cam's never been smart about what he says, you know that," Jen explained, "He killed Danielle. Do you know why, Ryan?"_

_Ryan was intrigued by what Jen had to say, "Why?"_

"_She was pregnant. He got her pregnant, and he didn't want to deal with it all. He was just trying to make you feel like this horrible person so that he wouldn't feel as guilty; but you didn't do anything. Especially not anything close to what he did."_

_Ryan closed his eyes, "I'm sorry, Jen. I just couldn't handle it. What _I _did."_

_He pressed himself to her, suppressing the urge to scream at how much he wanted to be with her 24/7._

"_You didn't do this to me. Things happen, Ryan. You're not the same as Cam. He may be my little brother, but he isn't right, and I wont defend him." Jen whispered, keeping Ryan in her arms._

"_Jen," Ryan spoke up, "If I'm not dead, what's happening? Am I going to die?"_

"_You've passed out from blood loss. You're at the hospital getting blood transfusions now. Horatio is with you. He has been the whole time."_

"_H is a good man."_

"_Promise me, Ryan, that you wont do this again?" Jen worried. He looked up at her with those sad hazel eyes, and nodded._

"_I can feel you waking up now," she whispered, "I love you, Ryan."_

"_I love you too." Ryan said, slowly fading._

He opened his eyes to bright florescent lights in a small hospital room. Horatio sat at Ryan's bedside, looking uncomfortable.

"Wolfe? Are you awake? Can you hear me?" Horatio asked seeing Ryan's eyelids flutter. That's when Ryan noticed on his own chest, patched with bloodstained bandages.

"What... happened?" Ryan managed to ask. Speaking was painful.

"Ssh, Ryan. Don't talk. We were on the roof. Do you remember that?"

Ryan nodded. He remembered everything that happened before he cocked the gun; the moments after were a blur.

"Well, I tried to get the gun away from you. I only managed to knock it downward. The bullet hit one of your ribs, and luckily didn't do much damage." Horatio explained.

"I... sorry... H." Ryan breathed. Horatio took Ryan's hand.

"Listen to me; you don't need to apologize. We're going to get you help, Ryan. Everything will be okay."

Horatio's phone rang, "Yes?"

"How's Ryan? We all heard over our scanners that that he was taken with a shot to the chest? Who was it?" Calliegh asked frantically. Horatio really didn't want to tell her that he'd done this to himself.

"Yes, he's awake now; but he can't speak well." Horatio informed, skipping her third question.

"Um... Okay. Is there a way we can come and visit?"

"Later, Calliegh. Just try and focus on the case right now. Keep the others on track."

"Oh. Well, just let him know that we're all thinking about him, and we're going to find whoever did this."

"Will do." Horatio said before hanging up. He knew his team could be the perfect family.

"Oh, Ryan!" A woman at the door exclaimed. It was the middle sibling; Jen's younger sister, Catalina. She walked briskly to the bedside that Horatio wasn't occupying. Catalina began to smooth Ryan's hair back with her fingers before kissing his forehead.

"Cat... what... doing... here?" Ryan struggled to ask.

"Ryan, you know you're family," she sympathized. She glanced over at Horatio, silently wondering who she was.

"I'm sorry, sir. Catalina Grayson."

"Horatio Caine." He said, shaking her hand.

"Wait a minute! You're the one who saved Ryan's life!"

"You can thank the doctors for that."

"Now, Lieutenant Caine; don't be so humble. Thank you." She gushed. Horatio nodded, and stared into his lap as another man walked in, sliding his arm around Catalina's waist.

"My name is Joe," The tall man said, addressing both Ryan and Horatio. Ryan gazed at the two, obviously a couple.

"I almost forgot, Ryan! Great news! Joe and I are getting married!" Catalina announced. In that moment, Ryan noticed just how her ring gleamed in the bright lights. He didn't have the energy to be excited, but he was happy for her. He managed a tiny smile, nodding slightly. Joe began to gently gesture to Catalina, motioning to leave.

"Oh, yeah." She said in response, "Ryan, Joe and I have to head out. We're flying to Detroit for his family reunion. We love you, Ryan, and you're still part of our family. Just get better."

She and Joe walked out after thanking Horatio one last time.

"Bubbly." Ryan stated, once him a Horatio were alone.

"Catalina Grayson. Would that be your sister-in-law?" Horatio guessed correctly. Ryan nodded before Horatio brought up a delicate subject, "The doctors are suggesting you live in a monitored environment. Do you have any relatives in Miami?"

Ryan shook his head. His parents lived clear up in Boston.

"Okay. If you want, I would be willing to let you stay at my place for a while. Would you like that?"

Confused, Ryan just stared into space. It was strange for Horatio (or anyone) to be caring and sympathetic for _him. _Ryan had a way of being distant from other people, especially his boss.

"I want you to think on that, okay?" Horatio said when Ryan didn't answer. Horatio took his hand again, "I'm always going to be here for you. If everything goes well tonight, they want to release you tomorrow."

"I'll... go... you." Ryan voiced. He then began to cough violently. Horatio quickly sat Ryan up, patting his back until the coughing subsided.

"Well, good. Now, lie down and don't try to speak again, Mr. Wolfe."

Nodding, Ryan rolled over and dipped into slumber. He found himself waking in tears, several times. It was a long and painful night.

* * *

"You ready to get out of here, Ryan?" asked a nurse with flowing blonde curls.

"Mhmm." groaned Ryan. He was surprised he was leaving the hospital so soon; but then again, all they had to do was remove the shot, and replace all the blood he lost. Ryan was very lucky the bullet had not pierced anything vital. He was very lucky that Horatio was (and always would be) there for him. The road ahead would be tough, and Ryan could use Horatio's help. With doctor and therapy appointments, his depression, and any other emotional turmoil, Ryan didn't think he could make it without him.

The nurse wheeled Ryan out the side exit, Horatio by his side. Ryan waited patiently as Horatio left to go retrieve the Hummer.

"The doctors said to keep off your feet for long periods of time." Horatio informed after helping Ryan out of the wheelchair, "Now, how about we go and pick up some of your things?"

"H... Can I just go to sleep... Please?" Ryan asked, speaking better than last night.

"Then I'll just show you to your room." Horatio agreed. A few short minutes later, Horatio pulled into his driveway.

"Welcome home, Mr. Wolfe."

"_This is the last night you'll spend alone; look me in the eyes so I know you know..."_ ~'The Last Night' – Skillet.

**Now I shall go hide in my hole and read books and try to actually write the next chapter while you guys make various comments about the Horatio/Ryan manfluff. Love you all!**


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